words from a mom, and FFD client

Thanks for sharing! I'm in awe of this family. Three kids under three and they have found a way to make it work. I am thrilled to see that, as was my experience, watching their children learn to eat is helping the adults too! T. , you are an inspiration!

"My husband and I have an obsession with food and restrict “forbidden” foods (were both raised to clean our plates, so we over-eat), and we want to give our girls the gift of moderation and calmness with food and prevent an eating disorder, and this feeding model supports that goal. With a little bit of preparation, we can serve a meal for us and our three toddlers (one one-year-old and two two-year-olds) in about 20 minutes and all sit down at the table and enjoy breakfast and dinner together. We serve a well-rounded meal that usually includes a dessert (cookie, fruit, yogurt, ice cream, chocolate chips…) and sit together and talk about anything other than what anyone is eating. We might talk about the specific foods and what they are called and what color they are briefly, but mostly talk about the day and what we’re all enjoying at that moment. There are no comments about being a “good eater”, “please try this”, “you have to eat your veggie before you can have dessert”, etc. If someone doesn’t want to eat more than a couple of bites, that is just fine. We’ll eat again shortly as we do three meals and two snacks in a twelve-hour period. The girls are in regular chairs pulled up to the table in boosters, eating right off the table, with the twins using plates. They might sit for 5-10 minutes and that is just fine. Some days they eat “well”, and some days they don’t. Some meals they eat dessert first, sometimes they don’t touch it. They are learning to stop eating when they’re full and to be adventurous in trying new foods. My husband and I are learning moderation from them in the process, which is wonderful. This method does require me to plan meals and snacks and have structure with timing and being at the table, but we also eat out and have snacks outside our home once or twice a week, but know we’ll be right back in our eating routine so we don’t stress about it, so those occasions end up being even more enjoyable."

small kids don't know what they want to eat until it's in their mouth

This is a scenario I see or hear about over and over. A mom standing in the kitchen with a 1-2 year old child asking over an over, "What do you want for breakfast?" (or lunch, or snack...)

"Do you want noodles?" pause....
"Do you want eggs?" pause....
"Do you want a cereal bar?" pause...
"How about a Go-gurt?" pause...
And it goes on until there is a positive, or at least not a negative response.

So, let's say Susie asks for noodles with butter. Mom makes it. Susie looks at it and says "Yuck." (Maybe she's been munching on crackers while she's waiting for the noodles because she's crying that she can't wait, and she's so cute and she's small and hungry!)

So, she has rejected what she 'ordered.'
Do you get mad? Try to reason? "Well, this is what you asked for! You liked it the other day, don't be so picky..."

Susie throws it on the floor and asks for a granola bar. Now you're late for music class, you grab a juice box and a granola bar that she nibbles on in the car, and she whines off and on for all of music class that she's "HUNGRY!" and she nibbles on some more granola bar and maybe some raisins on the way home, and then it's almost dinner time.

"What do you want for dinner?"...

Small children shouldn't meal plan. They can't. Heck, I can't some days! Remember, as the parent of the young child- and I include young school-aged kids in this group- it is YOUR job to meal-plan. It is your job to think of balanced options that you can offer, and your job to enforce the structure that will help her learn to like new foods and tune-in and eat the right amounts.

So, how does this feel...
"Jimmy, it's time for breakfast in five minutes, please get ready to put your blocks away."

Meanwhile you think about what you like to eat, what might have some fat, protein and carbohydrate.

"Jimmy, come to the table now please. You see we have toast and you can choose butter, jam or peanut butter. I also made a plate of scrambled eggs and there's some melon. Would you like milk or water? Oh, you chose toast and jam. Can I help you spread it? Here is a spreader so you can try..."

Meanwhile if you can, sit down yourself and enjoy some eggs or toast with your tea or coffee.

Jimmy doesn't have to worry or chose. It's not his job. He just gets to show up and eat from what you made. He gets to tune-in and eat until he is full (which might be two bites, or a cup of melon and two pieces of toast.) Then he gets to wait 2-3 hours until snack time.

My table? I enjoy eggs and think they're a great and easy food to balance nutrition and give kids energy, but M isn't a fan. If I ask if she wants an egg, she says, "no." But, if I cook an extra (medium-boiled and she doesn't eat the yolk mind you) she always asks for it when it hits the table and usually asks for another, but I don't boil 2 extra because it's just too wasteful and I don't want to eat 3 eggs! I also often make a scrambled egg and put it in the middle of the table so I can eat some, and she occasionally helps herself to some with little or no yolk. A pan-scrambled egg takes less time than microwaved oatmeal...

Kids often ask for foods and then don't want them, or say they don't want or like something, and eat it a few minutes later (if we can keep out of the fight!) M did this all the time too. "I don't like steak!"
Me: "OK, you don't have to eat it, there are other choices."
Most often the food she was just complaining about was then eaten happily without comment a few moments later.

Does this sound like meal-time at your house? Do your kiddos ask for and reject foods, or eat what they say they don't want?

New survey: America still isn't eating "enough" vegetables. But why?

This article in the NYT originally, and then in our local paper answers 'why' Americans aren't eating more veggies– but doesn't realize it. It's not for lack of trying, for lack of public health campaigns or effort or money spent on getting out the word. It's not that there aren't enough posters in our schools showing cool kids eating veggies, or exhorting kids to eat more veggies, or smiley faces 'eating the rainbow...'

About 1 in 4 Americans gets veggies three or more times a day. About 1 in 10 teens get the recommended amount. As someone working with families (and according to nationwide surveys) I know that it is not for lack of knowledge. Parents want their kids to eat well and have good nutrition, but they don't know HOW to support it (and many struggle financially to do so. But I will put the issue of food insecurity aside for a moment.) What American doesn't know what they "should" be eating? What parent doesn't lament the battles over broccoli?

One expert realizes, "There is nothing you can say to get Americans to eat more veggies." -duh

(I would add, there is very little we can say to get our children to eat more veggies...)

The author and experts assert Americans would eat more veggies if they were cheaper and tasted better. A nurse admits she won't eat veggies because they make her "gag." (I'd love to know if she was forced to try veggies or clean her plate as a child...) They don't explicitly get to it, but the following quotes hint at part of the solution. Read these and guess what is missing...

"The moment you have something fresh, you have to schedule your life around it."

"An apple you can just grab, but what am I going to do, put a piece of kale in my purse?"

What jumps out? What is missing?

Sitting down to meals and structure...

As I have gone through my training (my reading, now being lucky enough to be a part Ellyn Satter's clinical faculty with access to their incredible breadth and years of experience, seeing my own meals and family's eating, working with clients...) I have come to believe that without structure, without the habit of saying, "I am going to sit down now and make myself/may family something to eat" (or sit down to take-out or a frozen meal) that improving variety and successfully adding things like veggies is almost impossible.

The parents I meet and talk to want their children to be healthy and to eat well. They try really hard to get them to eat veggies. They bribe, they hide, they sneak, they beg, they threaten, they reward with stickers or treats-and for the most part, it's making their kids like veggies less, not more. Remember that how to feed is the key to the what. That notion of the Division of Responsibility, which is the basis for the feeding relationship all but requires meals and structure.

The structure has to come first. The meals have to come first. They don't have to be fancy, or "fresh" (canned and frozen are just fine) but you can't have a meal in your purse or strapped into a car-seat. (You can eat that way, but it's not a meal where you can tune-in to hungry and full, tune in to appetite, explore new foods, flavors and eventually improve variety.)

If you're grabbing Goldfish on the go (and who hasn't for the kiddos or even ourselves) it's easy to wander around contented for the moment with Goldfish. But, sit down, pay attention to the food, and the question, "What might taste good to me with these goldfish, or to little Timmy?" might come up. The answer might be, a cut up apple, or some microwaved frozen squash with butter, salt and brown sugar, or a sliced tomato...

What do you think?

family meals are priority one: what I'm letting slide to get it done...

With school and work ramping up these days (a nice problem to have, but I have to admit to being a little overwhelmed as most parents may be these days...) I've had to let a few things slide to keep up the really important stuff-like family meals...

• combing my daughter's hair (there, I said it... occasioanally we do a surface-comb, but ponytails hide many sins...)

• vacuuming

• mowing the lawn (since the kid who was doing it went back to school we are living in a jungle...)

• bi-weekly grocery runs (we're down to one for fresh and one for non-perishables. I dislike having to shop at two places, but do...)

• daily blogging

• unpacking (why bother, I'll just need to pack in a few weeks again)

• ambition with cooking- remember that doing family meals is a marathon, not a sprint. When things get crazy, I rely on easy, quick standards, quick pan-cooked meats with glazes, mac-n-cheese, couscous, more cut-up raw veggies, I buy pre-washed salads, we might eat out more, eat more left-overs, do the giant crock-pot meal and eat it for 3 days. I tend not to try new recipes...

• tidying up- inside and out-my yard looks like a plastic obstacle course. Orange cones, hula-hoop, bike, helmet... tumble-weeds of cat-hair.

• laundry. the mega-loads that take 30 minutes to fold...

• exercise (I need to get the walking routine going again. Will walk tomorrow after a meeting.)

What do you prioritize and let slide?

learning to like new foods: the sitter said it best!

Usually when we have a sitter, I make mac-n-cheese. Last night we also had grapes and carrots and dip. I sat with and ate it too. I love that white Annie's mac-n-cheese...

From the beginning I always mixed peas in our mac-n-cheese. M prefers it this way. So, the pasta was boiled, the peas were nuked. I asked our sitter, Loulou * if she minded if I mixed them together. Here is what she said...

"Sure. I like it that way. At first when I started coming here I thought it was odd, but then I got used to it and now I like it."

I couldn't have said it better myself. She basically described the process of learning to like new foods (food acceptance.) With repeated, pleasant, neutral, non-pressuring exposures, even new foods become familiar. Now, mind you, kids will never say this, or appear this rational. The process looks much more chaotic, with more fits and start. They look at it, they smell it, they watch you eat it, they might lick it or even chew it and spit it out, they might swallow it, they like it and eat lots one day, refuse it the next... Believe it or not, that's all part of the process of what Ellyn Satter calls "sneaking" up on new foods.

Just hang in there! If you serve the foods you want to eat at family meals and sit-down snacks, your kids will grow up to like the foods that you eat as a family.

What weird things do you put into or on classic foods? (I ate corn on the cob with ketchup for the longest time!)

"But I'm too full for dessert!": and dealing with pressure from family/friends

When we were with family last month, we did things a little different. I try to follow the general flow of others when we are staying with family or friends. I don't ask for dessert with the meal for example. (I do, however stick up for my child if she is being pressured to eat something or limited-and I will give a few examples at the end of the post.)

Well, we had wonderful foods, and occasionally we would have dessert. It often wasn't decided until the meal was almost over what and if dessert would be...

Poor M... A couple times she would finish eating and then our hostess would bring out these delicious little yogurts. I remember her crying, "But my tummy is too full for dessert! I want dessert, why didn't you tell me there was dessert!"

I didn't want to impose serving a child-sized portion of dessert with the meal as we often do at home (in fact, M has gotten pretty good with food regulation-knowing how much to eat-that we often give her the choice of when to have her dessert at this point.)

So, I talked with the cook/main meal-planner before the meal to determine what she wanted to do for dessert. I then told M before the meal if there was dessert so she could "save some room." This seemed to work out fine. I wasn't sure how it would go, but I remained curious, stayed true to the Division of Responsibility, and it worked out pretty well. (I often was happy for her to have "dessert" yogurt since she is still not a big milk drinker and we try to offer other sources of calcium-rich foods.)

It showed me again though, that she is listening to her body. She did not stuff it in just to enjoy the dessert. We also remained flexible and curious to see how things would go. We don't always get things right the first time :)

A few examples of pressure you might encounter and what you might say:

grampa: "If you take that piece of toast, you have to finish it all."

you say: "Actually Dad, that's not how we do it. Please follow my lead. Billy, why don't we start with half a piece, and if you're still hungry you can have more."

waitress: "You can't have dessert sweetie, until you finish your broccoli!" (really!)

you: "You are getting no tip." (just kidding)

try: "We're doing just fine here. Please bring her dessert now. Thank you."

gramma: "Let's hide his bottle. He's distracted. He eats too much and haven't you heard that obese babies will be fat adults and die before you and get diabetes and, and, and ..."

you: "Gramma, we like to let little Timmy decide when he's done eating. He'll let us know. May I have his bottle back, please?"

Uncle Bob: "You'll hurt Betty's feelings if you don't eat any of her sauce."

you: "Oh, Bob, that's silly! We love Aunt Betty, and thank her for making dinner, but we don't eat anything we don't want to. I'd like some sauce, please."

School: "You have to eat at least half your main food before you can have dessert."

see post... on teaching kids to overeat

how do you deal with it when family/friends/teachers pressure your child with his eating?

lingering effects of sugar

M this morning, "Can I have that sweet cereal again? I want sugar for breakfast! Sugar! I want something sweet!"

We talked about how we would have ice-cream tonight for dessert, but that breakfast was cereal, oatmeal, toast or a sandwich with melon. She's been eating ham sandwiches for breakfast recently with pickles. In Germany, lunch meat is a common breakfast thing, so we go for it. Breakfast seems to be a meal where we all sort of get what we want within reason. She is given choices, but we don't all eat from the same things like we do at dinner. I'm OK with this. M doesn't chose toast, or cereal much, and we have a pleasant time.

Just thought I'd share the morning conversation. I have to chuckle when I think of what I do for a living, at how fastidious we've been about optimal feeding, but she's still a kid!

picky eating, size concerns: "don't worry about it" means different things to different people

A mom called me to talk about her teen who has been eating -almost exclusively- microwaved lean pockets for 7 years. At every doctor's visit she was told not to worry about it, that it was fairly nutritious, and he would likely grow out of it. A young pediatrician recently wrote in (A., I read your comment but couldn't find it when I needed to post! Sorry) to say when parents come to her with picky eating complaints, she too tells them not to worry. I probably gave similar advice ('mac-n-cheese is fine! Just add a multivitamin!) when I was a new doc.

I look back now at how naive I was, how misinformed, and how unhelpful ultimately to so many parents. You see, I grew up with structure, family meals, enough money for a wide variety of foods that were largely presented in a pleasant atmosphere free of pressure. (I think part of me assumed that was happening in most homes.) I had no training in feeding other than how to concentrate formula and calculate calorie needs for the "feeders and growers" in the neonatal ward, and I didn't have my own kids. (OK, a few lectures on breast-feeding and perhaps a review of a handout about starting solids, always the what, never the HOW to feed...)

In short I had no idea how many families struggle with feeding, how many moms truly agonize over intake or a child's size. I had no idea how many of the moms I was seeing had themselves struggled with eating and were terrified of feeding their child. I didn't know how normal it was for most families to feed children one meal (often the same meal of macaroni and cheese and nuggets) and feed themselves later, and how much energy went into trying to get the kids to eat more or different foods. I didn't know that most of these picky kids were "good eaters" early on but systematically coned down to an accepted menu of brown and beige foods because parents didn't know how to handle normal feeding stages, or fed out of worry over nutrition or size (see last few paragraphs of that post.)

I didn't know that most feeding advice (if parents got any) was counterproductive. I didn't know that most folks today (kids included) seem to graze most of the day. I had no idea how much pain and conflict was inflicted in the name of weight and nutrition. (The moms who call crying because a child is refusing to eat and is losing weight, or another child is showing markedly disordered behaviors at age 7...)

OK, back from "tangent land."

point 1) your doctor might not have a clue. There, I said it. I didn't have a clue.

point 2) your doctor may be giving you bad advice. Again, I did...

point 3) health care providers, be careful about saying, "Don't worry about it" in terms of picky eating or odd eating behaviors.

More on "don't worry"

for health care providers and parents, just to make it extra confusing :)

First you need to ask more questions about feeding. A normal weight or growth curve should not give false confidence that feeding is going well. As a parent, if you see a health care provider and you're worried, and you are not getting your concerns addressed, ask yourself some more questions, get help... (Or if you get advice that sounds off like, "Just serve beef and green beans for 3 days, he'll learn to like it..." don't give up!)

Docs, ask: (moms, ask yourselves...)

How is feeding going?

How do you/I feel about feeding?

Are you/we eating meals as a family?

Do you/I struggle with eating?

Do you/I continue to offer a variety of foods?

Are you/we getting into battles around food?

Are you/we worried about your/our child's size?

Are you/we familiar with or following the Division of Responsibility?

Because, "don't worry about it" might be just the right advice for a family that is otherwise doing well with feeding. Support and optimize good feeding practices.

But –and here is the sad part– a family that is really struggling who is told, "don't worry about it," as is often the case, is a missed opportunity. It is much easier to turn around a feeding issue when a child is 5, vs 15... "Don't worry about it" to some means, keep serving mac-n-cheese and nuggets every night so you don't have to fight about is as much. Keep bribing and pressuring, keep worrying. And maybe 5, or 20 years go by (seriously) where the child only eats 5 foods, or maybe the dieting starts or the disordered eating...

Ask the feeding questions, optimize best feeding, educate yourself (Child of Mine should be required reading in all med schools as far as I'm concerned...) or at least have some titles or handouts you can refer parents to. Don't worry, but do have family meals, do offer variety, don't feed with pressure, do eat foods you enjoy, and follow up.

Moms, have you been told, "don't worry about it?" Did you still worry? What wacky advice have you gotten about your feeding concerns? From whom? Family? Docs?

"family dinner" brought to you by the iphone...

Does this look familiar? What do you think? This was in the NYT recently about plugged-in parenting. Does this count as a family meal?

brioche rolls and flexible dinners...

I slacked off on menu planning this week due to illness. I have to say, when I don't feel good, I don't enjoy planning and cooking. (My heart goes out to anyone living with chronic pain...)

Anyway, on the way home from camp, we pass Trader Joe's. M wanted to go in (she wasn't too excited about her mango and oatmeal cookie snack, and I think she was excited about the sucker you get for finding the hidden bunny... She die end up eating some oatmeal cookie with milk, but skipped the mango-a former favorite. Remember, small ones are not "rational" or consistent about food, that's why we have to be!)

Back from "tangent-land..."

I smelled these amazing brioche rolls and thought I'd make some kind of knock-off on a Phily-cheese steak. I bought steak, griddled a bunch of onions and peppers. (Folks from Phily, please forgive me...)

I wasn't sure how it would be, so I kept the Fajita option open. I served kind of a buffet with tortillas, buns, jarlsburg cheese, steak, avocado, onion mix- a kind of "onions and steak two-ways" if you will...

Here's what happened. The brioche was not yummy with the steak, but I did enjoy it immensely with butter and Jarlsburg, which is probably what I wanted all along! Kid and spouse preferred the Fajita-inspired route, though M ate mostly onions and peppers, skipping the meat this time.

It ended up that everyone was satisfied with a hap-hazard meal. If you are making something new, it's a good idea to pair it with something familiar. FYI, M is having re-heated onions in her lunch (along with a tortilla/cream cheese and ham, some yogurt and 2 pickles,) hope she doesn't want to give any kisses at camp today!

I think had I not had the tortilla option, it would have been a less fun/satisfying meal. What do you think? How do you improvise?

But I'm not hungry!! How it feels to be pressured to eat.

Twice in the last week or so I have been pressured to eat when I didn't want to. Most of us can easily tap into the feelings we get when we are not allowed to eat, or when we are on a diet. Most adult Americans are currently ON a diet. I know that if I can't eat for whatever reason for an extended time (more then four hours) I will get anxious, irritable, grouchy and food pre-occupied. But, it is not often that adults get overt pressure to eat more...

Last week I was eating lunch with M and Hubby and I was chewing something. M leaned over and kept trying to put a chip in my mouth. "Just eat it Momma!" I would turn my head away, and when I turned my head back, there was the chip, pushed up to my lips which I kept clamped shut. (Does this sound familiar? I watched an almost-toddler go through this very thing at a restaurant last week. Dad kept pushing chopsticks with food at her mouth and she repeatedly turned away, adding a swat every now and then...) "No thank you, " I said after I had swallowed. I think she thought it was funny because she poked the chip at me one more time. I could feel myself getting angry. My body was tense, I was irritated and focusing on my frustration with her, rather than on the eating experience. "In this house we don't eat anything we don't want to. Please stop."

Then again, last week, I enjoyed a large and satisfying lunch only to have the next stop unexpectedly be a place with lots of wonderful foods– and the chef was there. The chef was so eager for me to try the foods that she verbally pressed me at least a dozen times to eat X, Y or try Z. I found myself getting really angry. In spite of several apologies that I was already uncomfortably full (I also topped the meal off with a hot coffee on a hot day) she persisted. I finally said, "I am so full that I am uncomfortable, I am sure your food is delicious but I am just not hungry. It's actually making me upset that you are pushing me to eat." Yet, she persisted... Finally I tried a few bites, and I specifically said, "I am not hungry, but I will eat this to make you happy." (The food was delicious, which I assured her.)

What surprised me in both instances was how upset, angry and physically tense I became. I resented that I was being pressured and pushed. I do this work all the time, talk to parents about how pressuring with feeding backfires, but I had usually been most able to empathize with pressure to eat less, not more food. It was fascinating!

I can only imagine if I was a toddler with the hair-trigger temper, where my main job developmentally is to assert my independence and "do it myself," how I would have reacted! (Moms and dads of toddlers can picture this as well!)

In the first scenario, I might have gotten so upset that I stopped eating before I was full. (It is hard to focus on sensations of hunger and fullness when you're upset.) In the second case, I overate to please someone else. (Might a pre-schooler do this to please a parent or favorite teacher who insists that all the "growing food" gets eaten before dessert?) In both situations, the pressure made it harder for me to tune-in to my internal cues and eat the right amount, and it spoiled the fun!

How do you feel when you are pressured to eat more or less food than you want?

easy leftover chicken enchilada casserole

While I'm out of town, here's a recipe for your files!

Whether you roast your own or get a rotisserie chicken, this is an easy supper. (Some stores, Lunds locally sell rotisserie chicken off the bone in the deli department if you're really in a hurry.)

Sorry for the less than appetizing photo. This tastes so yummy we got halfway through the pan before I realized I needed to take a photo!

This is a good one for kids to help with.

Chicken enchilada casserole

4-6 tortillas (white or whole wheat, whatever you prefer)

shredded cooked chicken (1-2 cups-whatever you have)

1 can black beans drained and rinsed

1 can mild enchilada sauce (mild to make it family friendly) or make your own

1/2 med onion chopped

about 1 cup (or more) shredded cheese (any melter will do, part skim mozzeralla, mexican mix...)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Spray bottom of casserole or square pyrex (can adjust layers for size of pan) with nonstick oil or rub some oil with a napkin into the pan. Have kids help tear up tortillas into 2 inch pieces. This can be really rough, not exact.

Heat a pan over medium with 1 Tbspn oil. Cook and stir the chopped onion for about 8 minutes, until soft and glassy. Add the shredded chicken, the drained beans and enchilada sauce (I usually don't use the whole can...) Heat the mix through.

Assembly: arrange 2-3 ripped tortillas to cover the bottom of the dish. Spoon on about half the mix. Sprinkle on about 1/2 the cheese. Arrange ripped tortillas on top, spread the remaining mix on top of the tortillas and spread the rest of the cheese.

Put in the oven and bake about 30 minutes until cheese is melted and bubbling. If cheese gets dark, put top on or cover with foil. All the ingredients are cooked, just need to be heated through.

Add extra spice for the grown ups if needed after everyone serves themselves... This is a great dish that you can assemble in advance and keep in the fridge until ready to heat. Add extra time if it comes out of the fridge. As you make this, you will learn if your family wants more sauce, more cheese etc. Follow recipes the first time through and think about what would make it better... (Maybe try refried beans? add corn into the casserole? make your own sauce?)

M doesn't reliably like this one (but I keep serving it) so I usually serve with sides she really likes like corn and a more filling dessert like pudding.

serenity in feeding

Well, summer camp has started, I'm on day two of antibiotics for strep (3rd time in 2 years-any adults out there had their tonsils out? I'm a little nervous...) so I need a little serenity. This is something I've been mulling around for awhile, though probably not the most original.

Feeding kids can feel crazy, from their irrational food preferences that change by the minute, to the societal pressures moms feel to do everything "right" (have a kid who happily eats all fruits and veggies, has impeccable manners, has a BMI between the 25 th and 50th% if she's a girl and between the 75 and 100th % if he's a boy...)

But, there are things with good feeding that we can and can't control. Feeding with the Division of Responsibility is a leap of faith. It's countercultural so you often won't get support from your family or friends, it goes against every media story or cultural norm to suggest that children can be trusted to eat a balance of good foods, get nutritional variety and eat the right amounts of foods, IF we do our jobs with feeding.

So here's my serenity prayer for feeding...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

• my child's genetic weight (may be high or low, can be healthy)
• my child's temperament
• my temperament
• my feeding history
• my dieting or eating disorder history
• finances? kitchen set-up?

courage to change the things I can

• feeding without pressure
• being reliable about family meals and structure
• offering a variety of foods
• my attitude about my body
• my attitude about others' bodies
• my cooking skills
• my "picky" eating
• focus on healthy behaviors, not numbers on the scale

and wisdom to know the difference

• education
• trust
• seeing those little changes and building faith
• reading books, resources, attending workshops...
• getting help

(Knowing the difference is the key! This is where I hope to spread the word...)

What is a "good eater?"

My almost 5 yo daughter out of the blue the other night said, "Daddy, good job eating!" My jaw dropped. I can ASSURE you she has never heard anything like that in our home. I imagine this is something someone has said to her at school, perhaps a grandparent, though with all my gentle (mostly) reminders about letting her decide how much to eat, I doubt it was them.

I said, "Why do you think Daddy did a good job?" M replied, "Because his plate is empty."

I was getting up to refill our serving bowls and said, "That doesn't mean he's a good eater. Eating isn't good or bad, you have meals and snacks and eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full, even if your plate isn't empty..."

I hope I am not witnessing the well-studied phenomena that children under 5 will stop when they are full, regardless of the initial portion served, while children 5 and older will finish the entire portion served them, even if it is much more than they would have eaten if they had served themselves.

This notion of praising for eating, or relying on external cues for when to stop eating is not OK with me.

Also, I am curious, Gentle Readers. At what age does a "good eater" go from being a child who will clean their plate, to being a someone who will leave food behind or stop eating before they are satisfied? Crazy, crazy world we live in.

whole wheat pasta, or foods I "should" like but don't and why it matters

Whole grains are "hot" these days. When I menu plan, I try to aim for about half of the grains we eat to be whole grains. Recently I wrote that I truly resent and refuse (as much as possible) to eat foods simply because I "should" (for nutritional or other purposes.)

After a recent success with the whole wheat cookies that are awesome (holding up well in my tupperware on the counter BTW and chosen over a Newman's Oreo by M) I am inspired to try more. But, whole wheat pasta will never gain entry to my pantry again!

Some whole grains I love:

• breads (store-bought) the seedier the better
• cookies (see above)
• oatmeal
• barley in soups
• brown rice (with stews, soups, chilis)
• soba-type noodles made with buckwheat
• whole wheat couscous

Some whole grains that I could do without

• by far the most reviled is whole wheat pasta (blech, I know I "should" but I don't like it)
• brown rice with stir-fries (I just like the sticky white stuff here)
• brown rice with sushi (ditto)
• Fiber One cereal, or anything like it
• breads I have baked at home with mostly whole wheat have disappointed so far, machine and in the oven.
• went through a Quinoa phase, and now am not so keen on it. Maybe if I made it in a more inspired way I'd love it. Just seems to fall more in the "I should eat it because it's healthy" category...
• Muffins made with high fiber cereals or flours and apple sauce or other fat-reducing strategies. Dry, dry, dry

The list-making is fun, but the issue is relevant. Much of today's nutritional advice is pushing whole grains and other "should" foods, which is problematic on many levels and especially if you lack the cooking skills to know what to do with them. Cooking for a family is hard enough to sustain without bringing dread, guilt, and most of all unappealing foods into the mix. When we denigrate the foods people enjoy and are eating, put them on a "forbidden" list and give them alternatives that they don't like, aren't ready for or don't know they like, we offer little. The "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" mess people up.

Make a list of the foods you enjoy, can you find a few with whole grains? Are there any of the so-called "should" foods that surprise you? Are you maybe avoiding "should" foods you might like because you resent that "should?" Can you expand that list by trying new foods, eating out or from a friend? (For example, I only tried baking purely whole wheat cookies because I got to enjoy them at the Mill City Museum test kitchen.) Focus on growing your "love it" list in a fun, low-pressure way when you are ready, not on growing your "can't have it" list. (Secrets to Feeding a Healthy Family by Satter has a great rundown on how to expand the picky adult palate.)

What am I missing? Do you have some whole grains you love and think I should try? I have not yet experimented with groats, and the more exotic grains. Convince me...

Or commiserate with your most-hated "I know I should but can't" foods...

Is Gramma's baking ruining your hard work with feeding? Guest article on consistency and feeding.

You've read about feeding strategies in my blog. You know my family thrives on routine and the Division of Responsibility. But, you also have read about how we had ice-cream for breakfast over vacation. Next week, when M stays with Gramma and Grampa for the first time for a whole weekend, my only feeding instructions are, "don't limit her or try to cut her off if she says she's still hungry." I know they've seen our routine, and will stick with the rough timing of meals and snacks (because M behaves better that way) but I honestly am OK with it if they eat ice-cream and mac and cheese every day. It gets to the idea of consistency, joy, living a real-world life. Now, if M were there every weekend, I would think differently... What are your feeding challenges with daycare, care-givers or family who feed your child differently than you might like? Read on for some thoughts on consistency and feeding by my colleague Kathleen Cuneo P.h.D.

We’ve all heard it: good parenting requires consistency. Does that mean that you have the same consequences and deliver them exactly the same way each and every time? Does it mean that you must be rigid with your children?

In my work over the years with children and families, what I have found most important with regard to consistency is that parents have a framework that is clearly communicated to their children about what behaviors are expected and what is unacceptable. When decisions about discipline are based on variables like the parents’ mood, the setting, or other changing factors, consistency is harder to maintain.

That said, 100 percent consistency is nearly impossible and parents tend to feel guilty when they’re not 100 percent consistent. This type of guilt is usually wasted energy. Almost all children can handle a little inconsistency and still learn what is expected of them. The degree of inconsistency that can be tolerated, however, varies from child to child. In general, children learn from authentic, attuned engagement with their parents, and that’s just not 100 percent the same every time.

The most destructive patterns with inconsistency generally occur when there is inconsistency between the adults involved in caring for the child. When parents and daycare providers, mothers and fathers, or parents and heavily involved grandparents differ significantly in their approach to discipline or routines with children, it can lead to confusion, anxiety, and/or disruptive behavior.

Ellyn Satter’s division of responsibility in feeding provides a framework for adults to approach the feeding relationship between caregivers and children. The division of responsibility model requires caregivers to develop and maintain some structure in the timing of meals and snacks . It also requires a consistent dedication to making varied food offerings available and a commitment to family meals and not pressuring the child to eat more or less than she is hungry for.

But what happens if Alexa goes to a family gathering and ends up filling up on snacks all day? What happens if David spends the weekend with his grandparents who caters to his every food desire or Julia drinks soda and eats lots of sweets at a birthday party? Most children can handle these time-limited inconsistencies and still develop healthy eating habits. Most children respond positively when the usual routines are resumed. Further, since these short-term disruptions in routine and challenges will be present throughout our lives, it’s important to begin to learn how to handle them from an early age.

What is more potentially damaging to developing healthy eaters are ongoing, significant differences among those caring for and feeding children. It’s vital that the adults deeply involved in raising the child be largely on the same page with regard to feeding for lifelong healthy eating patterns. Clearly, this type of interpersonal consistency isn’t always easy to achieve given the realities and limitations of our lives, but I would argue that it’s definitely worth trying for the sake of our kids.

Kathleen Cuneo, Ph.D. is a psychologist, parent coach, and mom. Her mission is to empower parents to find their own parenting voice and develop strong connections with their children. Her parenting e-newsletter and free report, “30 Things You Can Do To Raise Self-Confident, Compassionate Children,” are available at www.drcuneo.com. Dr. Cuneo is also the director of Dinner Together, LLC which offers consultation to families seeking to have more frequent, successful family meals and deal with the challenges of picky eaters. Sign up for her free e-newsletter at www.dinnertogether.com.

why we don't let preschoolers meal plan

Dinner last night:

• roasted potatoes (good, but a little mushy and M didn't like that I left the peel on)
• Roasted chicken parm (she liked it last week, but not tonight)
• blanched plus a little sugar snap peas

I also put a small bowl of raw peas on the table, a trick I often do. Put some of the veggie you are cooking out raw- more choices for the kiddos and you never know what will float their little boats. (M prefers raw to cooked brussel sprouts-at least she used to-who knows now!)

After dinner, M lamented, "I just want something like a decent meal, like macaroni and cheese..." With a big sigh. D and I chuckled, but I know not to take it personally.

Moms (usually) tell me how upsetting it is when they work hard to make a nice meal and their children complain. Alas, you just have to get over this one. You did your job with feeding when you put the meal on the table. Whether the kids eat it or not is up to them.

You see, young children are tiny, irrational beings. They like something one day, hate it the next, especially if it gets a satisfying reaction from you. Cooking to please your child's tastes is a futile exercise, because it changes from moment to moment. Cook what you want to eat (make adjustments-I peeled her potatoes which she ate with ketchup) don't short order cook or worry if they eat little at some meals and lots others.

Here is what M would eat if she could meal plan:

Stir fry (She wondered if you could make it with marshmallows last week)

mac n cheese

turkey curry

carrots

ice cream

white rice (she complains when I make brown-but I still make it)

What might a week at your house look like if your toddler meal-planned???

does this look formal?

One commenter recently said her husband didn't grow up eating family meals and was reluctant because it felt very "formal" to him. Here are a couple shots of a dinner table, a breakfast, and an impromptu post-dinner puppet theater. M sat on my lap, I grabbed a pen and we laughed our heads off for fifteen minutes.

I remember growing up, hanging around after meals, even my brooding teen-aged brother would recline on our padded bench (it was a late 60's era awesome kitchen set) and hang out and chat.

How do you have fun around the table?

how to make family meals happen and a note to the nutritionists at grand rounds!

Had a great time presenting to the pediatricians at Grand Rounds today on feeding dynamics and the current approach to childhood "obesity." Great group, great questions. (I didn't see anyone texting or sleeping, and since many were sleep-deprived residents, I'm pretty happy!)

I do want to mention that I shared some "horror stories" of bad advice clients have gotten from physicians and nutritionists, but I want to stress that there are many, many nutritionists and physicians who do wonderful work, who work within the feeding dynamics model. I was happy when a Children's dietitian spoke up at the end to let her colleagues and physicians know they work in the model, and don't just recommend organic mac-n-cheese as the solution to all your feeding concerns! I would say to the teams that take care of kids, know what models your team members work with. Get to know your nutritionists, read their evaluations. Send families to experts who support your message, not sabotage it.

A common theme that came up was the families they work with say they "can't" or are too busy for family meals. Too many sports, activities, eating fast food in the car...

I just keep coming back to being firm about how important structure and family meals are, encouraging families to make it a priority. Family meals mean kids eat better, have stable weight, less disordered eating, less picky, eat more fruits and veggies, overall success in life, less drugs/alcohol/tobacco...

One of the awesome tech support guys told a fun story after the talk. His son's girlfriend used to complain that the son's family dinners cramped the young couple's style, that she didn't like making plans around family dinners. Now though, she seeks them out, joins in and enjoys them. Starting with family meals may be hard, kids might complain at first. Stick with it. It is that important. As the genteleman said, "Our family meals are where we have the best times, the best memories." I would say it's more important than being in a third activity. Help your kids prioritize.

Have any of you made a successful transition to family meals? How did you make it happen?

pesto parm chicken

I had looked at Ellyn Satter's "Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family" as more of an academic text for my work with clients and as a speaker. I recommend it all the time to parents who are struggling with cooking or feeding, who struggle with feeding themselves well, or "hate" or feel intimidated by cooking. Family meals really matter that much, and this is the best resource I have yet seen to help make that happen.

Though I am am a regular and competent cook, I realized I had fallen into having a handful of meals or variants over and over. That's been fine (see my list of 60 recipes) but I needed to remind myself there are other ways to have potatoes than mashed!

I've started experimenting with Ellyn's recipes. From meatloaf (yummy) to roasted veggies and potatoes (also yummy!) Here was the standout. Clio's parm chicken. SOOOOO good! It was easy, smelled amazing and tasted even better. I served with boiled broccoli, noodles and a pseudo ratatouille (sliced onion, zucchini and tomato sauce with Italian herbs and garlic.) 4 year old M loved it too, and didn't even ask for ketchup (high praise!!)

Pesto Parm Chicken (Satter)

6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts halves, about 1 1/2 pounds (I used 3 halves for our family and still had leftovers...)

1 1/2 cups grated parm or Romano or Asiago (about 6 ounces)

6 Tbspns pesto (look for basil as the first ingredient)

(I had extra pesto since I used less chicken)

preheat oven to 425

Mix 2 Tbspns grated cheese with 6 Tbspns pesto. Rub or pat mixture onto chicken until light even coating. Sprinkle remaining cheese into a plate. Press both sides of the chicken into the cheese to form a coating. You might need to refresh your plate of cheese, careful not to contaminate the cheese after handling the raw chicken...

Place chicken into a baking dish and bake for 25 minutes or until internal temp is 165 degrees F

Let me know how it goes!