"somehow we always end up talking about food..."

Yesterday I was doing some voice over work for a video I'm working on for feeding preschoolers and a lovely woman was sitting next to me. She asked what my video topic was. "I'm a childhood feeding specialist. I help families who are struggling with feeding issues, from picky eating to weight concerns."

She literally rolled her chair over and we started talking. Another mom at Legoland at the Mall of America confided, "Bribing with dessert used to be the only way to get him to eat anything else, and now that's not even working!"

This happens all the time, at the park, the grocery store. People ask what I do, and then the questions begin. These are all well-meaning, loving, hard-working, devoted parents who are stuck with feeding, who experience significant stress around feeding, who get terrible advice, or no advice about feeding, who do what seems intuitive, what was done to them, and what is all around them– and it isn't working. We are investing too much time and emotion, investing a massive effort in trying to feed our children well, when many of our efforts are actually making things worse. Moms tell me how often playdate chatter turns into swapping sneaky recipes or trying to get kids to eat more veggies. "Somehow we always end up talking about food."

I know when I started to have feeding concerns with my daughter, the only reason I was so proactive in getting help quickly is that I saw over and over as a family doctor how the standard model played out, how it didn't work. I thank my lucky stars that I found Ellyn Satter's work.

Families struggle and agonize for years over feeding. I think because this struggle is the cultural norm, there is not the sense of urgency, or even the knowledge that it could be any different. It doesn't have to be so hard! A great resource is Child of Mine, or How to get Your Kids to Eat, both by Ellyn Satter. Still have questions? Give me a call or an email! I just had a lovely session with a mom from Mississippi who had a few questions to clear up. There is just too much bad advice out there (from our own moms to Parent magazines...) It doesn't have to be so hard!

How often do you and other moms end up talking about food issues, picky eating, etc? I wonder again if this is a cultural thing...

children's menus? around the world...

I wonder, my worldly readers, about Children's menus. Most US restaurants have them, according to readers in China and Switzerland, most restaurants DON'T. Where do you live, and do you have Children's menus? I wonder if it correlates with nutrition info aimed at children?
(My Swiss contact said, no children's menus and no nutrition info aimed at children. Coincidence?)

conflicting messages

On the junkmail catalog there was a big line on the bottom
"PLEASE RECYCLE"
How about, please don't send me this catalog that I didn't request...

But, I digress, back to food. At the Rainforest Cafe yesterday (first and last visit) the childrens' menu was a PBS "Curious George Hop into Health and Fitness" that made me want to scream.

"KNOW WHEN TO SAY WHOA! Try to avoid too many fried foods as well as sweets or snacks without any nutritional value." it admonishes the Kiddies as they ogle desserts bigger than their heads.

Meanwhile the children's menu offered grilled cheese, dinosaur chicken nuggets, hot dogs, mac n cheese, popcorn shrimp, coca cola products, fries (it did have carrot sticks and corn as an option) and the dessert featured was a volcano of chocolate brownie cakes with ice-cream and a chocolate lava big enough for half a dozen kids at least (menu said serves 2 or more...)

This nutritional info is aimed at small children. This is not OK. Labeling foods as good or bad confuses kids. It is not a child's job to decide what foods to chose, it is his job to decide how much and if to eat it. The focus for kids and food should be variety, good taste, and joy, not fear, shame or avoidance...

I could go on about why we have children's menus in the first place, but that is another post.

I ordered the nachos (gross with a cheese sauce, not real cheese) that was a huge portion for M and I to share and we left most of it behind. M had a mini burger and corn which was buttered so she didn't like it. She only ate half the mini-burger. That morning we had mangoes and tortilla with butter for snack.)

Would you all be willing to scout out "nutrition messages" that are aimed at small children in the next few days and report back? What do you notice? Are there "health" messages that might confuse kids? Pretty pervasive, no?

reality bites, why not forbidding "forbidden foods" works

As a child, my parents were pretty strict about all things "crap," from Barbies to food. I have vivid memories of begging FOR YEARS for a slushie. You know, those neon red frozen concoctions. While my friends had Shirley Temples or enjoyed slushies poolside, I coveted and whined. I don't remember my first one, so it couldn't have been that great...

Similarly, I remember a vacation in the New Hampshire mountains with relatives who taught at the ski school. I begged for a giant red sucker ALL WEEK. I finally got it, and it was gross. Plain disappointing. I was so embarrassed, and knew my parents would turn it into a lesson of, "We're never getting you crap again," that I ate most of it, ditching the last bit in a snow bank.

Today M and I were at the mall returning some fancy Stride-rites that had broken after 6 weeks and she started whining for a gumball. "Not now," I said, maybe next time. We passed the machines again and the whining began. "OK, we'll come back after lunch." We had a lovely lunch, and she got a grape gum-ball for dessert with her allowance money. She chewed it, made a face and said, "I thought it would taste better." She chewed a few minutes longer and then spit it out. "I'm sorry it wasn't as good as you hoped." She said she'd try cherry next time. Fine by me.

She has tried and been able to make an honest appraisal (she didn't like or finish) a chocolate and-sprinkle-covered donut, a pink frosted cookie at the school picnic, several kinds of candy from Regina's candy store, Oreos (Paul Newman-Os,) and s'mores. She recently handed over a half-eaten Rice Krispie treat, and even a half-finished ice cream cone, just because she was "full." (Would NOT have stopped me as a kid!)

Allowing children to have access on a fairly regular basis to sweets and treats within the structure of family meals and snacks, presented in a pleasant and neutral way with a variety of other great foods takes their power away. I deal with less whining, I trust her to eat something because it tastes good to her, not because she has to prove a point or craves something that is overly controlled.

Do you have any memories of forbidden fruits not living up to the hype? Foods? Experiences as well? That NKOTB concert you begged to go to? The perm you wanted? Sex?

What is a "good eater?"

My almost 5 yo daughter out of the blue the other night said, "Daddy, good job eating!" My jaw dropped. I can ASSURE you she has never heard anything like that in our home. I imagine this is something someone has said to her at school, perhaps a grandparent, though with all my gentle (mostly) reminders about letting her decide how much to eat, I doubt it was them.

I said, "Why do you think Daddy did a good job?" M replied, "Because his plate is empty."

I was getting up to refill our serving bowls and said, "That doesn't mean he's a good eater. Eating isn't good or bad, you have meals and snacks and eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full, even if your plate isn't empty..."

I hope I am not witnessing the well-studied phenomena that children under 5 will stop when they are full, regardless of the initial portion served, while children 5 and older will finish the entire portion served them, even if it is much more than they would have eaten if they had served themselves.

This notion of praising for eating, or relying on external cues for when to stop eating is not OK with me.

Also, I am curious, Gentle Readers. At what age does a "good eater" go from being a child who will clean their plate, to being a someone who will leave food behind or stop eating before they are satisfied? Crazy, crazy world we live in.

I hate composting, and other things guilt makes me do

I like the idea of composting. I hate the reality. The flies, making my way through brush to the one spot on our property line between a fence and our garage where we could put it. (The photo shows my crock in the foreground and the composter in the background.) I've dropped my keys in the mess (on the way to a workshop,) I've had slimy crocks on my counter that I feel bad about for not taking out more regularly, and now I have too much "green" to "brown" yard waste and it's icky. Where to get dry yard waste? It's a major hassle, but I still do it. Same with recycling. Our kitchen is so small that the paper and container recycling takes up major space, but I still do it. Washing and re-using plastic bags is another.

Note, I have recently started collecting green scraps in a big bowl which I am more likely to take out regularly and is less gross to clean.

Things I wanted to do because I thought I "should" but couldn't make it happen:

cloth diapers

home-made organic baby food

more public transportation

I also covet a mini-van even though we only have one child. Maybe someday. Not very ecological....

What things do you do because of guilt, because you "should," but that aren't very satisfying on their own?

Mom, what's a "diet?" Dealing with the "D-word"

Sunday morning I'm reading comics to my daughter and found again that there were at least three that I had to "edit." (Pretty typical for the 'comics' these days.) One was about gastric bypass (the snowman missing the middle ball) another, "Do these pants make my tentacles look fat," and another about dieting. It brought back a comment a reader wrote after my last post.

"I'm livid that we live in a world where a 4 year old is already getting messages about what is and isn't acceptable in terms of body size and food choices! I thought I wouldn't have to start fighting this until about age 10 (which is when I unfortunately discovered dieting).

My 4 year old daughter brought home a "learn to read" book about being healthy...I saw "eat lots of fruits and vegetables"--okay, I can live with that. And "get exercise"--okay. But there it was on page 4: "eat only a little bit of fat" Argh! My daughter was puzzled--what's fat? Why can't I eat it?...
And then a week ago one of the teenage instructors at the ice rink told my daughter that if you eat a lot of pizza you'll get fat (I have no idea what the context was). Suddenly my intuitive eating child is questioning her choices. (read my comments on the blog for my reaction to this gem of an ice-skating teacher...)
So the question is, when the topic comes up how do I talk about dieting in a way that does not encourage the behavior?"

Remember, we're talking about four-year-olds here- they are pretty unsophisticated. (I remember working at a summer camp and getting the kids ready for swim time. The 3 and 4 year olds were all running around naked and one kid had underwear on and they all teased him, "I see your underwear!") My first advice is "EDIT" when possible (notice it's an anogram?) As much as possible, try to edit, or not expose them to notions of dieting, weight loss etc. But, as my reader noted, it is near impossible in the world we live in.

First, when a child asks you about a diet, or fat, or Weight Watchers, ask them what they think. You may learn that they are not really that clued in, or that there is something that you can clarify. EDIT your answer, a 4 year-old doesn't get the complexities, and you need to be careful not to confuse with too much information. Try to stay neutral and pleasant during the conversation. If you are unable, because of issues with the D-word, ask a partner, or trusted adult to take on the issue. Again, a few sentences might be all it takes. I would also be careful not to lie.

Here are a few ideas, then I'd love to hear from you all.

On the topic of eating fat, you could say,

"That book is wrong, and we know better now. Fat is good to eat, we need to eat fat to live. Avocados, nuts, ice-cream, salad dressing and butter have fat in them. Fat can taste pretty yummy! We're lucky we get to eat lots of different foods, including fat."

On "dieting,"

"It means that people don't eat as much as they want, or the foods that they want to eat. They might feel hungry allot. I wouldn't like to feel hungry all day. We don't eat that way in our family. We eat when we are hungry and stop when we have had enough."

or

"It means that you don't listen to your tummy to decide how much or what foods to eat. When people diet, even if they are hungry, they might not eat. That's not good for your body. A good way to eat is to eat when you are hungry and stop when you have had enough, and to enjoy lots of different kinds of foods like we do!"

Ask your child if that makes sense, and then move on, change the topic.

Older kids will have more of a framework and logical thinking to explore the topic further and I will address that in a future post. I am not a child psychologist, but just a few thoughts! I'd love to hear what you think. It's a great exercise to have the words ready for when the inevitable questions come up... Am I way off base? How have you handled this?